Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
