I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
