Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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