She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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