Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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