That's intense
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize