I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
