whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
