she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
