Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
someone owes me an orgasm
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
