Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
