Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
