First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You made out with two different species that night
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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