There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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