JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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