take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
