My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
