Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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