Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
