Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
