I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize