What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I faked an abortion last night.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
