I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
