When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize