Will you blow on my dice?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
