the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
