Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
