Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
