My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
