Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
