JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
