I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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