I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
