Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
