He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
