i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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