I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
