All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize