Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
