best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
