If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
