Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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