We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize