Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
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