And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
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