I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
