I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
