Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
