Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
