Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
