Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
